Little Slut on the Prairie

In 24 short days I will officially be a freshman in college. This is both incredibly liberating and exciting, yet kinda sad at the same time. From what I understand college is all about change. Change in location, change in studies, change in friends and classmates, and even a change in celebrations.

 

Now. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I just love the concept of fear, its really interesting. And the fact that there is a day every year set aside for glorifying scaring the crap out of people is one of the reasons why life is really great sometimes. Every year on Halloween I am often found appreciating anything Wes Craven has to offer, however after talking with one of my college friends about college Halloween I learned one thing:

 

“You gotta slut it up!” he said as we were looking at clothing in an antique store. Even though I was surprised to hear it from a real person, I knew it was coming. I mean, I’ve seen ‘Mean Girls’ so I know these parties exist.

 

My train of thought was suddenly broken by my friends laughter as I look up to see him falling over a dress. This was by far one of the most hideous dresses I have ever laid my eyes on. It was a bright, obnoxious pink with white dots that literally covered every possible area for skin to show. It had frills around the neck, on the sleeves, and even on the trim.

 

“You could wear this for college Halloween!” he manages to say “You just have to cut holes where your boobs would go! You could be…”

 

“Little Slut on the Prairie” My other friend chimed in. The next thing I knew the four of us were literally dying of laughter in the back of the small antique shop.

 

But this got me thinking. If I’m going to have to do this on Halloween, I mind as well have a little fun with it. So I started to brainstorm other potential costume ideas that I can assure you are at least original and mildly humorous:

 

Ashley TITSdale:

fabulous.

Ashley Tisdale reached her prime in 2006 when she starred as Sharpay in the tween cult classic High School Musical so you can bet you will be the only person at your college Halloween party dressed as her! To achieve this look, simply wear a lot of pink sparkly things with a blond wig. If you have a small dog feel free to have him or her tag along. Now! To perfect this outfit, take a dark colored Sharpie and simply circle your boobs a good thirty or forty times. If the ink bleeds through your clothes and accidently marks your actual skin thats good, thats called commitment. Just remember, we are all in this together. And yes if your wear this costume right you will literally be hearing that all night.

 

Jurassic Pussy:

i would actually like to point out that these are pajamas but still she works it.

What do boys like? Dinosaurs. What is a popular movie about Dinosaurs? Jurassic Park. So put that together with the theme of the night and bomb you get ‘Jurassic Pussy’. To perfect this outfit wear a plastic dinosaur hat that you can purchase at your local Target, a green tank top, green short shorts, and grow a tail. Trust me guys are into girls that are…different.

 

“He touched the Butt”:

nemo is 2 sassy 4 u

Dress up as the boat Nemo touched at the beginning of Finding Nemo. You’ll get a lot of action I promise.  

 

Dr. WHOREable:

 

Neil Patrick Harris is a god. And he also happened to the star of the cult classic ‘Dr. Horribles Sing Along Blog’. This outfit is very similar to the ‘Little Slut on the Prairie’ costume. In the movie, Dr. Horrible wears a long white trench coat that hits the floor. However with a pair of scissors, Dr. Horrible turns into Dr. WHOREable. Using the scissors cut circles wherever your boobs may bounce and if you are feeling extra saucy, cut a slit in the coat from the floor to your butt. Also at the party feel free to go up to attractive boys and just simply say “who’s your doctor?”. You’re welcome.

 

HOEdown Throwdown:

shes just bein Miley.

This one was not my idea, it was my friend Sarahs. She mentioned it in passing while making malts in her kitchen as I laughed quietly to myself. Basically, if you ever wanted to be Miley Cyrus for a night, this is your chance. However I am going to warn you, as long as you are wearing this outfit be prepared to hear several of the following comments:

 

• “Oh she’s just being Miley!”

• “Wow that girl Can’t Be Tamed!”

• “Ehh I’d Climb that.”

• “Hey girl, lifes what you make it, so…lets make it rock.”

• “There are 7 Things I love about your outfit.”

• “Oh man where’s an ice cream cart when you need one!”

• “I could dance with Molly…I mean…Miley all night LOL”

 

And that is just to name a few.

 

Though this all sounds hilarious to me, I am not sure if I’m ready to give up my traditional horror movie marathon quite yet. Who says that everything has to change in the first year of college.

-Poof

Do You Even Read My Blog? (But Actually)

I really enjoy writing. I don’t know why, but sometimes it almost feels therapeutic to write about some of the things that have happened to me or some of the the things that I think about. But in all honesty, I have no idea who reads my blog.

 

No. Idea. At. All.

i hope kimmy k isn’t crying because she reads my blog 😥

It’s actually kind of surreal when someone comes up to me in real life and compliments one of my blog posts. In that moment every single emotion that I have ever experienced comes at me with a vengeance. I feel thrilled that my work was validated by someone, but at the same time I feel a great deal of shame that this person just read a story about how some six year old smacked me on the ass (if you are curious about that, feel free to click here!)

 

I remember one day in my AP Government class we were doing a group project where our teacher had put us in random groups to perform mock Supreme Court trials. One of my group members elected himself as the leader of the group, lets call him Jack. Short for Jackass of course!

 

Anyway, Jack began to feverishly sift through his backpack looking for something to write with. At this point the group had entirely lost focus and we were all just talking casually with one another. About five minutes later Jack finally gives up looking for his pencil, to be polite I decided to offer Jack one of my pencils just so we could finally get started.

 

“Umm did you just offer him a pencil?” One of my group members chimed in, with a little bit of disbelief in his voice.

 

“Uhh yeah?” I didn’t see what the big deal was, or why he even cared to begin with but then I began to think. Could it be? Is it possible that this classmate knows that I chew on the ends of pencils because he reads my blog? (For that story, click here!)

 

“I read your blog.” He said with a mild sassy tone that brought me back from my questioning thought process. Without even saying a word we maintained our eye contact as I slowly put my pencil back into my backpack.

 

“UHH I STILL DID A PENCIL HAHA” Jack declared as he quickly scurried back to his desk slightly confused as to what just happened.

 

Though that blog post exposed one of my more unsanitary habits, I am really glad that I was called out for it. Even if it was mildly embarrassing, the validation was nice. It was nice to know for once that I wasn’t just writing to myself.

 

And since I already talk to myself, I would say it’s nice to know that at least I’m writing to the people.

 

-Poof

RIP Cory Monteith

So as a lot of you know, i have been watching glee since the conception of the show. I would even go as far as to say that i was one of the first hard core, borderline crazy gleeks. There was even a time when I was an admin for the Glee Wiki. True, after season 1 Glee really went downhill but i kept watching because…well because quite frankly i was addicted to Glee. However, the past two and a half seasons of glee i have watched in the privacy of my own home mildly hating myself for watching this show at all, but last night when i went on tumblr and found out that Cory Monteith, the actor that played Finn Hudson had died in a hotel room in Canada, I almost broke down in tears.

OH GAWD WHY

Now. I am just going to be completely honest. Finn was by far my least favorite character on the show. Finn was awful and ruined everything he touched in the show. He broke hearts, used homophobic slurs, and really only caused trouble for his fellow glee club members.

 

But Cory, Cory is what Finn should have been. Cory was a genuine, charismatic guy that wouldn’t hurt anyone. Cory was what Ryan Murphy wanted Finn to be. Ryan Murphy wanted his leading male to be a hero.

 

But you can’t ask someone to be a hero.

 

You can’t ask someone to be inspirational.

 

You can’t ask someone to make a difference.

 

And with Cory, he didn’t have too.

 

Yes, it is true that Cory was recently in rehab for drug addiction. Everyone has their problems, but not everyone tries to solve their problems. Cory was trying to be his own hero, he was trying to save himself.

 

I scrolled down on my dashboard last night for at least twenty minutes reading “RIP Cory Monteith” post after post. Eventually I couldn’t handle it anymore. All of the nostalgic feelings that I had about glee all came flooding to the surface of my brain and I couldn’t take it. I logged out of all of my social media platforms and plugged my IPod into my sound dock only to be punched in the face with another round of nostalgia.

 

My IPod thought it would be funny to play glees original cover of “Don’t Stop Believing”.

 

And in that moment, I swear the entire glee fandom was lying on the cold hard ground.

 

#poofproblems

-Poof   

Get Off My Back Red Cross

*DISCLAIMER: The Red Cross is a valued association and has saved countless lives through their efforts. This blog post in no way discourages the donation of blood, it is purely for the entertainment of the reader. Enjoy!*

The Red Cross really needs to get off my back. I swear, ever since I gave blood back in November, they have called me at least once every week. This past week has been the most annoying however. So far this week the Red Cross has called me four times asking for my extremely common blood.

Like seriously! I would understand this obsessive calling if my blood type was actually rare. Fun fact: my blood type is O+. Another fun fact: almost forty percent of the population has my blood type.

SO WHY IS THE RED CROSS OBSESSED WITH MY BLOOD.

And at the risk of being publicly shamed, I’m just going to be honest: even if I had a rare blood type, I don’t think I would give blood again anytime soon.

Now before the Red Cross starts sharpening their pitchforks getting ready to literally take my blood by force, hear me out. The first (and only) time that I gave blood was an extremely traumatic experience.

Backstory time:

Last November was our schools first of two annual blood drives and I was finally old enough to help out. I had never given blood before, but when I signed up the nice girl running the booth convinced me by telling me that they were thirty people short of what they needed. So I signed up and walked away feeling pretty good about myself until I suddenly remembered.

do you see the pain in her eyes? because i do.

I’m deathly afraid of needles.

In that moment I almost sprinted back to the small table fully prepared to rip my name off of that hit list, and maybe kick the table over for emphasis. But, I didn’t. I convinced myself that this will be good! I remember saying to myself “Gee Poof! Maybe now you can stop being pathetic and finally get over your stupid fear LOL”

Wow I have such a way with words.

Anyway, the day had finally arrived and I had never been so worried in my life.

That might be an over exaggeration but whatever you get the point.

My appointment was during third hour, so for the first two hours of the day I was trying to think of anyway that I could get out of this. I remember even thinking that maybe they wouldn’t take my blood if I cut off my hand. But then I realized that I would probably just make the process easier for them.

Third hour had finally approached and I had to convince my friend Tanner to come with me for support. We walked into the gym to see a very impressive, yet extremely intimidating set up. Doctors were gliding across the gym checking on each of the patients and students were even helping out by talking to the donors during the blood giving process. Now to most people, when looking at this they would feel reassured knowing that everything was running smoothly.

Well not me.

In that moment I started to silently cry, looking around at all of the needles and blood. Everyone was going up to me asking what was wrong but I couldn’t even manage to create a sentence.

And I talk A LOT.

The next thing I knew, I was on a gurney with my head to the side so I wouldn’t have to look at my blood as it escaped from my system. Students and even teachers came over to me for the twenty minutes that it took to get a pint of my unbelievably average blood. But I couldn’t interact with them, all I could do was stare into the distance as silent tears trickled down my face.

Wow…I really am pathetic.

Anyway, after the Red Cross was finished torturing me, they brought me over to this table with muffins and granola bars and they simply told me to “enjoy”.

After eating a granola bar I started to listen to some conversations going on around me. This is when I overheard some of the doctors talking about how “lucky it was that no one had passed out yet today”.

Well let’s just say that after I heard that their luck ran out because next thing I knew I was being helped onto another gurney and being rolled into a closed off location so none of the other donors would see me.

I ended up sleeping there until halfway through sixth hour where I kinda stumbled in, receiving many confused looks from my classmates. The silent tears continue to fall.

Now that you understand my perspective a little more, I hope you understand why I wouldn’t be too excited to donate blood again any time soon. If the Red Cross wants things from inside of me anytime soon they will have to cross their fingers that I die in a car accident.

#poofproblems

-Poof